To be or not to be.... Isn't it all relative?

Day 15, Wednesday, July 18^th

And so, another morning begins with Harry Potter. I read right up till I have to leave. I want nothing more than keep reading; after all, what could we possibly be doing today that’s interesting? Yet off to school I go. Alicia and I talk on the bus about going home (and not). She’s super ready. This may be due to the fact that her birthday is the day they go home. I’m glad mine isn’t until the Friday after I get back. I’d like to rest before.

I forget that this morning we are to watch a movie, so when Ronny tells us to go to a different room, I get excited. The movie is not one I have heard of: Mar Adentro. He tells us it is a Spanish film about Euthanasia, based on the life of Ramon Sanpedro. The movie is powerful, and I am glad to have seen it. It is sad in all ways, but visually pleasing, and an all around incomparably better film than El Caribe. And at the end, I am not sure whether to be sad from the situation or happy his life is finally over as he wished. It is a deeply impacting film. We discuss it for a bit, but there isn’t so much we can really say. Euthanasia is a hard topic to flesh out in any language, similar to the death penalty and abortion.

During break I give Ronny my story, and by lunch he pulls me aside. He is almost finished fixing it, but he says that it is muy muy bien, and he wants to discuss the errors after school tomorrow. I’m excited. I’m just glad it’s not bad. :)

The UCA crowd has a meeting with Laura, the director of CRLA after school today. She asks us about the trip, whether we have liked it, how our families have been, what they can change: the usual. But no one has too much to say. As far as I know, almost everyone has thoroughly enjoyed this experience. And we tell her so. But when she asks us what they should do differently, no one speaks. This truly has been a wonderful adventure.

I try to grab some internet time, but I am quickly kicked off by my friends. Hannah wants to go to a jewelry shop the others are going to, and Beth wants to make plans. So I grudgingly leave my blogs to tomorrow and do what I can with Beth. But Panama is still unresponsive. It looks more and more like we may have to just go and see how it goes.

I really enjoy my market time with Hannah. The “little jewelry shop” we are looking for is actually a huge series of stores and stalls, each full of knickknacks and whohaws. While the jewelry here is a bit more mainstream than the handmade crafts of the open air market, I still enjoy what we find. So I buy myself a necklace as well as knock off a few more souvenirs I need. And overall, I just enjoy my time with Hannah. She is the kind of upbeat person I love to hang out with. Unfortunately, too soon the stores start throwing down their big metal bars, and, slightly afraid we may get locked in, we flee.

As I catch the bus home, I reflect on my current attitude. It kinda sucks to be going home now. I am finally getting used to things, and I haven’t missed anyone in a few days. Really, this would be the perfect time to throw myself into school. But instead, it is all drawing to a close. Que triste.

Although, I must admit, I am getting excited about my last week now. It just hit me yesterday that I am about to spend a week and a half on the beach. And I need it. I am still incredibly pale. I need the beach, just so I can come home with some sort of respectable tan.

And now, here I sit, typing up the last few days, floating on a cloud. You know what I think is most interesting about this blog? You have seen my thought process during school, and it is revealing to me as much as to you. You have seen me anxious about beginning, loving being in the thrall of learning, frustrated with others for not wanting to be there, frustrated with myself for not being good enough and trying too hard, frustrated with teachers for not caring or not liking me, and now, glowing with the pride of having been praised (Ronny liking my story). Okay, those of you who were in my honors criticism class this last semester with me saw this process, but to me it is a bit enlightening. I live to be praised. I work hard in everything I do; I put forth extra effort, all for a bit of admiration. My teachers in middle school said that made me an easy target for bullying, and to an extent they were right. People who do things simply for gratitude are sorely disappointed when it doesn’t come. But I don’t want to be different. Because when it does come... oh man.

I guess that’s why I work with kids. They never thank. They hardly ever give compliments. But I never feel slighted. Because when a child remembers your name, chooses you as her playmate, hugs you goodbye, those things are all the praise I need.

But yeah, I should do things just for my own praise... I suppose. I’ll work on that. :)